Super-gluing a handful of diamonds above your vagina is probably the gayest thing ever invented without having anything to do with homosexuality, so I’m convinced that the whole vajazzling trend failed precisely for its lack of gay accessibility. The most we could do was rampage our girlfriends’ Facebook walls with the suggestion of vajazzling, just like we did when getting plastered off vodka-soaked tampons was a thing, but you can only show off a hag’s souped out snatch for so long before you begin to feel jealous yourself. Why else do you think we threw our tampons away and started butt-chugging?
Just as I had pretty much convinced myself that vajazzling was yet another reason to become a drag queen, I discovered a little something called “glitter cocks” and suddenly all faith was restored in my gay brethren. Just like butt-chugging became the gay alternative to vagina tamponing and log cabin Republicans became the gay alternative to living in the state of Texas, glitter cocking is a fantastically gay alternative to vajazzling. And it’s so easy to do that you don’t even need to watch a thirty-minute late night infomercial on Lifetime to convince you it’s the real deal. All you have to do is buy out the sale rack at Michael’s, slop some Elmer’s on your dick, and go to town.
I’m not sure who is responsible for the invention of glitter cocking, but these photos were done by the artist James P. James. For some reason, I’m reminded of Christmas tree ornament construction in kindergarten — encasing a pure, unadulterated Styrofoam ball in generous amounts of glitter to make certain it would be eye-catching in my family’s living room. Here, however, you are decorating a body part that really needs no extra attention drawn to it, so it’s like a double whammy upon first glance. It’s like adding an exclamation point to the end of a sentence that does not need to be exclaimed!
James P. James appears to only glitter bomb uncut cocks, which is probably a good idea if you think about all the weird crevices a piece of razor sharp glitter could end up. But part of me also wonders why coating any dick in glitter is a good idea at all. While exciting in hindsight, you have to think about the practicality of glitter cocking. It’s like having sex on a beach… sexy to think about but painful and sand-papery in reality. The important thing about this new artistic medium is that it is instigating discussion, whether it good or bad.
When I asked Mr. James for his thoughts, he replied with, “It was mostly just a way for me to see some of my friends’ uncut cocks…”
Good enough for me!