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by Nick Swallow

I love a good rivalry. From high school, to sports, to the silver screen- who didn’t enjoy Bette Davis’ take-down of Joan Crawford when she snapped? Use your best Bette voice here: “The best time I ever had with Joan Crawford was when I pushed her down the stairs!” Or what about Gaga vs. Madonna? Trump vs. Rosie? Fox News vs. The News?

My favorite rivalries are the literary ones- titans large and small wielding their pen and page as both sword and shield. Norman Mailer seemed to enjoy provoking them the most- in Norman Mailer vs. Tom Wolfe for instance, Mailer wrote of Wolfe’s A Man in Full, “Reading the work can even be said to resemble the act of making love to a three-hundred-pound woman. Once she gets on top, it’s over. Fall in love, or be asphyxiated.” However, Gore Vidal, another Mailer foe and rival, understood all too well that creative jealousy fueled most of his rivals’ rants- “Mailer feuded with me. I knew Norman’s syndrome… he couldn’t stop. He lived for his little swig of PR.”

Alas, I am no literary great- just a humble pornographer- but yesterday I was surprised to see, as reported by Bradford Mathews of FleshBot, that I had ignited a “war” from one little ol’ Tumblr reblog with none other than the CEO of Lucas Entertainment, Michael Lucas! Rejoice and pass the collective plate…

I was also surprised (and flattered) that he had apparently referred to my post as “hilarious.” The thing is, I had actually received an email from the CEO himself the night before. But he was not laughing at the time. We had a polite exchange as rivals do, and I moved on… until he decided to shop the “blog post heard ’round the world,” firing the first shot in a “shade war,” a perfect tidbit for the porno-sphere. And being a man in the business of show I figured, why not? Let’s toss some meat to the lions and, like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, I go happily into the fire!

email

So last week, while thumbing through Tumblr, I saw a photograph I’d taken of Max Ryder and Jake Bass from the summer of 2012- my sweet pups with paper crowns from Burger King perched on their heads perfectly complementing their devilish grins. I re-blogged the pic and added the caption “The REAL Kings of New York”- an obvious play on words and hat (or paper crown) tip to Lucas Entertainment’s series “Kings of New York,” directed by the talented Marc Macnamara (definitely not a maddening rant about all the press they’ve received, but with this CEO, you sometimes have to read between the lines of intention, meaning, and reality).

Also, my post was a “Real Housewives” style hat tip to Max and Jake. Together, we helped usher in a new wave of reality porn with the award-winning Project GoGo Boy and indie hit RoadStrip!

And being a creature of the NOW, it was forgotten as soon as it happened… until I received this delicious email from the CEO himself. What was strange was that the email was formatted to seem as though his creative director- who by all accounts has quit or was maybe replaced- forwarded his ex-CEO my post with the nonsensical comment.

Now call me cynical, but it’s not really in the nature of ex-employees to still suck up to their bosses on their way out the door. And even if Marc did send the email (putting on my conspiracy hat now), maybe it was done as a giant middle finger to his ex-CEO knowing he’d launch a new feud in a multi-front feud war, secretly hoping this would be his ex-CEO’s Waterloo!

You see, it’s been a busy month for this CEO- starting and managing multiple feuds and rivalries with Zachary Sire, Johnny Weir, Nick Gruber, and Nikolai Alexeyev. He even started a rivalry with condoms! And these are only the public ones…

So what was I to do with this beautiful gift now glowing in my inbox? My brain said, “Don’t bother.” But my heart? My heart said, “DO IT!” It’s just more inspiration for my current film project, Answered Prayers, coming soon to CockyBoys October 31st (wink)!

So here is our email exchange in all its shady glory:

dd

A little back-story: in less fraught times, I had agreed to a “model exchange” with Lucas Entertainment, like I had already done successfully with Bel Ami, Naked Sword, Videoboys, and Raging Stallion. It’s a common occurrence, which allows studios to mix up their offerings and pair up each other’s exclusive talents.

However (and I’m being very polite!), there was a “scheduling conflict” that prevented Gabriel from working with Lucas Entertainment. And basically, Michael got mad, prophesied my demise, and tried to get even. For all the gory details, be sure to check out my forthcoming tell-all Confessions of a 42-year-old Boy Scout, Chapter 11, “From Gabriel Clark to Jett Black-Gate”!

Look: Michael, like George Washington, I concede the city of New York- it’s just too expensive to hold and, being the kingpin you are like the glorious King George III, only you can afford it. Like Washington in the early days of the Revolution, I’ll retreat back to my humble country estate as featured in the smash hit The Haunting (now and still the #1 DVD for the 10th week in a row on TLA.com wink wink!) And let’s be honest, our office is not even in New York City- it’s in Queens! So I’ll save you the effort on that one… drum roll, please- I guess that makes us the “Queens of New York.”

Actually… I prefer “The Queens of Bushwick.”

Tolstoy said it best: “There are people who, when they meet a rival, no matter in what, at once shut their eyes to everything good in him and see only the bad. There are others who on the contrary try to discern in a lucky rival the qualities that have enabled him to succeed.”

With that in mind, Michael, you are my “lucky rival.” I see your success and accomplishments. I know firsthand what it takes to build a business from nothing, and more importantly, what it takes to protect one. And today, as I bask in this unexpected creative glow, flicking and leafing through the pages of your Machiavellian play book, I can’t help but to enjoy myself. And every time this happens, I’m tickled like the strings on a harp from hell. And like you my friend, I too can whisper sweet nothings into the ear of nothingness.

Love Always and Be Nice,

Jake Jaxson

*Writer’s note: this was a satirical essay and exercise in free speech. But just in case that does not compute for the powers that be, stay tuned loyal friends and fans for details of the official CockyBoys legal defense fund drive, garage sale, bake sale, underwear auction, and dinner gala!


    BRILLIANT! On Every Level.

    me2
    September 26th, 2013 7:57 pm

    This was just too perfect! :)

    Lisa
    September 26th, 2013 9:15 pm

    I recently left as a subscriber to Lucas. I queried the ‘bareback’ scene – as in why the change of policy from condom only shoots. I subscribed to his site on that basis of ‘condom only shoots’ and I was not happy to subscribe to a site which portrays ‘bareback’ – my choice. On politely, if firmly, stating this and asking for a response, non was forthcoming except the deletion of my posts and my access to the Lucas Community boards being revoked. Michael Lucas had just been positing on the boards, and an hour or two later my access was revoked so I think this action stemmed from instructions from Mr Lucas himself. I state again I wasn’t abusive, I didn’t swear I just objected to their change of policy with not even an announcement on the site. This high handed attitude to someone who had otherwise been so loyal to their site, stinks. Its pathetic that they can’t handle and respond cordially to an objection to their policy change. The more I hear of Lucas and after what I’ve just read, the man does not deserve for his site to continue being successful. As I say I no longer subscribe. I do however have an annual subscribtion to Cockyboys

    Eve Reygan
    September 27th, 2013 3:38 am

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